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    PRIEST TO BAPTIZE GORILLA

    From the FMCP news service

     Knoxville,Tn.--Episcopal Priest, Father Frank Cooper announced yesterday that he will go forward with the baptism of 6 year old gorilla, Kickee, this Sunday despite warnings from his Bishop that he would be removed from the priesthood if he carries out the baptism.  The 56 year old priest has long been criticized by more conservative members of the church for his work as an organizer for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

     The story of Kickee a 6 year old female gorilla living at the Knoxville City Zoo attracted world wide attention two weeks ago following a visit to the zoo by a group of children  from the St. Francis School for the Deaf.  According to reports, Kickee pointed to the crucifix worn by one of the children, signed,"I love Jesus," in American Sign Language, and then poured a pan of water over her head.

     Cathy Province, director of the zoo, has told reporters that the gorilla is the subject of an experiment in which she has been raised for 5 years along with the child of researcher, Melanie Zentgraf.  "Melanie is a devout Episcopalian," Ms Province told reporters, "so a lot of the children's books she reads to them are Bible stories."

     When asked about the appropriateness of a gorilla being baptized, Mrs. Zentgraf replied," Well I think it's pretty obvious what Kickee wants.  She's been dumping water on herself and signing like this for a year."

WOMAN MISTAKES WOODLAND

ELVES FOR ECO-TERRORISTS

From the FMCP news service

     Boulder, Co.--Mrs. G.K. Grear thought she had taken a picture of the members of E.L.F., the Earth Liberation Front, who were wanted for the arson bombing of a Hum Vee dealership in the rural High Sky community of central Colorado. What she had actually captured on Polaroid amazed police detective Lt. Bill Payday.  According to Payday, Mrs Grear handed him the picture and said, "Are these the elves you've been looking for?"  What Mrs. Grear had taken was a picture of woodland elves, untill now thought to have been extinct for 60 years.

     The real suspects were arrested only an hour after the crime.  Their capture followed a tip from a local Quikee Mart operator who became suspicious after two bicyclists came into the store and each purchased a gallon can of gasoline.

     The arson destroyed 30 vehicles and ignited the service departments oil storage area which caused over 500 gallons of burning oil to stream into the Big Trout River.